BEREAVEMENT HELP

Use Your Healing Mediumship Energy

for the benefit of others.

If you do not find anything here to help you on this page, there are bereavement link pages on 9,10, 11. I have placed a lot of links of every kind on there for you, a lot of which can help I hope, most people. Do not feel alone at a time like this.

Click here to go to > Lifetime Business > Tarot Plan > Meditation Oneness > Home Page > Tapes & CDs >

On this site for other links click here and onto the BLUE writing below, bottom of each page or anywhere on page.

THOUGHTS ARE LIVING ENERGY

Our dead are never dead to us until we have forgotten them.

GEORGE ELIOT

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 For help to stop unwanted mail to the diseased.

http://www.the-bereavement-register.org.uk/

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As a trained counsellor myself, the reason I have placed this subject on my site is to help people understand what they might go through if anything happens to a loved one that they are close to, someone or some animal they care about, also for the bystanders to know what might be happening around the person who has lost a being they love. Every person should always have in their mind that one day IT WILL HAPPEN TO ME so be prepared by reading it all. There is nothing more certain that we will all at sometime die.

Bereavement describes the sense of grief and loss you experience when someone close to you dies. When this happens, you go through a process of mourning - numbness, anger and sadness can all be a part of this.

Bereavement can also cause physical reactions including sleeplessness, loss of energy and loss of appetite. It can effect people in all sorts of different ways. There is no set time for the grieving to start or end.

It should be remembered that life continues after we depart from this earth plane. We go to the higher vibration levels we call the Spirit World. Death should not be a place that any person is afraid to go to, neither should any person want to go there before their allotted time of progression on this earth of ours. We all have our lessons to learn and in some way to grow spiritually.

At some stage in bereavement people will stop and question the reasons why we are here in the first place, for this we should allow a time of reflection, a time of contemplation, then eventually, possibly, a time of meditation.

Refection is looking back at the times gone by and remembering all talks, walks, cuddles, the play times, the quiet times, the times when they were just there with you in the room, all the incidents all that happened with your loved one, good and not so good.

With your animal friend, looking back at your walks, talks with them, all the many ways they responded to your voice, cuddles, the play times with them, the quiet times, the times when they were just there with you at your side.

Grieving for most people means showing you have feelings and an outpouring of all the emotions, not caring what others think about it, most around you will understand, unless very young, because at some time in their lives they will go, or have gone through the same or similar situation.

What sort of funeral ?

 It can be a celebration of the persons life ,

 or

 a mourning of the loss of the loved one .

A recent survey found that 80% of people questioned wanted funerals that celebrated life rather than marking death. It looks like the Victorian style of pomp and heavy mourning funeral is on the way out, and there is more of a move towards farewell parties that reflect the life of the departed.

This may be so but the people who are left behind are left to grieve and pick up the bills of the funeral out of the estate of the deceased person and sort out the every day problems that are thrown up by the departure sudden or expected. Most of the UKs population seem to be reluctant to address this emotive subject can cause difficulties when someone leaves them to progress to the higher life across the veil. This is the reason for this page. I hope here it helps in some way to address some of the problems. If you go to the links pages towards the end. [I say the end because I have not quite finished placing all links on as yet, bereavement help links are on pages 9 -11 of the links]

Grieving relatives can be left to pay for the funeral out of the deceased person’s estate, planning what they think their loved one would have wanted, often without having any clear idea about what that might involve.

Some of the many choices people have used in the past are funerals which have included music that was associated with the diseased, some poem or saying, a small story about the dead person, something said about their life and how it progressed. There could be a woodland burial, sea burial, a humanist or non religious celebration of the persons life.

Many people these days want a celebration atmosphere in their funeral settings, special coffins [bio coffins, these are to be found on the links pages], others may want the ashes of the loved one scattered around a special place to which the family, friends and acquaintances can visit at a later date to remember and think of that person [or animal]. Some prefer that scattering to be done at sea. I have known of the releasing of doves in a persons memory. It is what is comfortable for the people who are close to the deceased that matters not the holding onto traditions. Some might like to go a long with the older traditions while others want something more, something cheerful and bright. In a Spiritualist funeral they have bright colours and celebrate the persons life as do many eastern cultures knowing that life continues and they are meeting their loved ones who have gone before.

The only reason that the traditions hold is because many do not plan in advance nor do they wish to think what is going to happen in the future, always seeming to brushing it aside when the subject comes up.

It can be so important to leave your own clear instructions because it can mean the people left behind are comforted and guided in a direction that they know from the outset is the closing chapter the deceased wanted. It honestly does give that extra comfort to the mourners.

If the thought is along the lines of the popular newly developed option of the Woodland Burial look into this option beforehand, or have a tree planted as a living memory of the person both the religious and the non religious person can go along with this idea. The Woodland burials do not have headstones instead they plant trees as living memorials then the trees produce a living growing woodland for centuries to come. Many have a range of trees you can choose to plant and most of the woodland sites have small memorial plaques that go alongside with the tree.
The sites of the Woodland Burial grounds are generally set in the countryside which can make it a little easier for the families of the deceased to bear the loss of their loved one. The burial grounds support a variety of wildlife and some have added features such as Hinton Park in Christchurch, which has a deer paddock, Shetland pony fields and a lake.

There are over 200 woodland burial sites all over the United Kingdom in nearly every county. [see the links pages of 9, 10 and 11].

Families can have whatever service or celebration that is required. Services and celebrations are arranged in strict accordance with the wishes of the deceased and their families. Even time of day may be a matter of choice. Some woodland burial grounds have hearses and vehicles which are not black, with drivers dressed in grey or dark green. Services can be traditional religious services or more tailored to personal wishes. Families can even organise and conduct the funeral service themselves or make very specific requests about how they would like the service to be. These have included a bagpipe player in the distance, a New Orleans style jazz band playing at the burial, poetry being read, music requested and even fireworks.

A traditional burial today usually costs between £1000 and £1600 plus, excluding the headstone. A traditional cremation costs around £1,100. Woodland Burials cost on average between £600 and £1,200 depending on location. If no outside funeral director is involved, the total cost will almost certainly be less. Some woodland burial grounds also arrange cremation, with costs usually less than £800. Remember what ever the funeral director can do, you and, or your family can do it all yourselves.

I cannot do justice to all the information that is needed for diverse situations when people leave their shell and progress to the world beyond, and all the many unfortunate people who can find themselves in the grieving situation who are in need of help, so I have placed as many links about bereavement that is practical in this small web site.

 BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow called grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. Experts believe that if you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can lead to emotional problems, and even physical illness later on.

Working through your grief can be a painful process, but it's often necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical wellbeing.

The stages of grief
There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal.

The stages of grief aren't distinct, and there is usually some overlap between them.

Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss. This may last for a few hours, days or longer. In some ways, this numbness can help you get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long it can become a problem.

Numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. For example, every time the phone rings you might expect it to be the person who has died, or you may think you see him or her on the bus or in crowds.

You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.

This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person.

Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again. Although it's important to acknowledge there may always be a feeling of loss, you learn to live with it.

The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and carry on with your life, though it may not be exactly the same as it was before. Your sleeping patterns and energy levels return to normal.

Children and bereavement
Children are aware when a loved one dies and they feel the loss in much the same way as adults do. Although children go through similar stages of grief, they may progress through them more quickly. Understandably, some people try to protect children from the death and grieving process. But in fact, it's probably better to be honest with children about your own grief, and encourage them to talk about their feelings of pain and distress.

How long does grieving take?
The grieving process can take some time. How long it takes depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it usually takes one to two years to recover from a major bereavement.

Coping with the grieving process
There are many things you can do to help yourself cope during this time. Ask for help and support from family, friends or a support group. Try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control. Avoid making major decisions - your judgement may be affected and changes could increase your stress levels. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly and avoid problems in the future.

What if you aren't coping?
Sometimes, the grieving process is especially difficult. Some find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all, which can mean that their feelings aren't worked through properly. This sometimes happens after a miscarriage or abortion. It may also happen if you don't have time to grieve properly, perhaps because of work pressures or if you are looking after your family.

Others may be unable to move on from their grief, or remain in the numb stages of grief, finding it hard to believe the person is dead for years.

Such difficult grieving can lead to recurring bouts of depression, loss of appetite and even suicidal feelings. According to Mind (the National Association for Mental Health), you are more likely to have a difficult grieving process if:

You are on your own and have no support from your community, family, or friends.
You have unresolved issues with the person who died.
The death was caused by a particularly difficult event such as a national disaster or an unsolved murder.
The person goes missing or it isn't clear exactly what happened.
You are unable to attend the funeral or there isn't one.
Other circumstances around the death can lead to a difficult grieving process. These include:

A sudden or unexpected death.
The death of a parent when you are a child or adolescent.
Miscarriage or the death of a baby.
Death due to suicide.
The death of a co-habiting partner, same sex partner or partner from an extra-marital relationship, where the relationship may not be legally recognised or accepted by family and friends.
Deaths where the bereaved may be responsible.
Situations where a post-mortem or an inquest is required.
More than one death at once (for example, in an accident).
The death of an absent or estranged parent or sibling.

 
Getting help from your GP
Bereavement is probably one of the toughest things we have to face in life. But while it's a very painful time, you can usually pull through it without needing to see a doctor.

However, if, for example, you find that you're sleeping badly, and this goes on for long enough to affect your daily life, talk to your GP. He or she may prescribe you with some sleeping tablets for a few nights. These are only for short-term use though.

If your feelings of depression are worsening, and are seriously affecting your energy, appetite and sleep, your GP may prescribe antidepressants. For more information, see Related topics.

There are also other useful talking therapies that can help. These include bereavement counselling and support groups where you can meet with other people who have been bereaved. These can be invaluable in helping you come to terms with your loss, and many boroughs offer such bereavement services.

Helping family or friends
If somebody in your family or a friend has been bereaved, the best thing you can do is spend time with them and listen to them work through their grief. Offer practical help, such as cooking dinner or shopping for food - when a person is grieving, it's usually hard to focus on everyday tasks.

You might feel awkward because you don't know what to say to the bereaved, but just being there will be a great help and lets them know that you care and haven't forgotten.

If the person is reacting in extreme ways for a prolonged period, encourage him or her to talk their GP about it.

Here are some of the feelings and reactions we are most likely to experience after a death, but feelings of grief and some of the reactions we go onto describe also affect people at the end of an important relationship, or following some other major loss.

 OTHER BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

Thoughts and Feelings

There are no right or wrong reactions to death. We all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time. For some this might mean crying, for others not. For some this is likely to take months and years, for others not. Reactions and feelings can change from hour to hour, and day to day. Some days are good while others are bad; some days you'll be up and others down again.

Over time the emotional swings will lessen in intensity as you learn to adapt to your changed circumstances, but to begin with it can be hard.

The following is a summary of the most common feelings

• Shock and disbelief. It can take quite some time for news of the death to sink in. You don't want to believe it - who would? You can't believe it, not at first.
• Loss. You've lost so much - the person, their love, their friendship, their companionship, intimacy, opportunities, hopes... and accompanying the loss can be a deep sense of sadness.
• Guilt and regret. Maybe you regret having said that hurtful thing or not visiting the previous week as you'd promised. You feel bad for feeling angry. Some will feel "survivor guilt" - to be alive when another is dead. If the death was suicide, feelings of regret and guilt will probably be heightened. You might also feel shame or blame yourself.
• Injustice. Why did s/he have to die so young? Why did this have to happen to me? It's not fair!
• Envy. You might envy others for having what you don't have - the friend, lover, mother, father... that you have just lost. You could also envy others their apparently carefree lives.
• Anger. You might feel angry with the world or with people for: -
• • causing the death
  • not being able to cure the illness
  • not understanding your feelings
  • making thoughtless remarks
  • carrying on with life and having fun.
  You might feel angry with yourself too, for what you did or did not do. But perhaps most difficult of all, you might feel angry with the dead person for dying and abandoning you and for the pain you are suffering as a result of their death.
• Loneliness. Grieving can be a lonely process. You may feel that no-one can possibly understand what you are going through or that no-one cares. And you might have just lost someone who played a big part in your life. See also the UCS leaflet on Loneliness
• Depression. Feeling low is a natural part of the mourning process. For a time you could lose interest in life and feel that there's no point in going on. At worst you might feel despair. See also the UCS leaflet on Depression
• Relief. You might feel relieved, especially if the death follows a long illness or if the person's life has been reduced to a shadow of what it once was e.g. through advanced old age.
• And finally you might feel as if these reactions will go on forever, which of course they won't.

You might wish to avoid such difficult feelings, but for the process of healing to occur (and it will, given half a chance!) the pain of grief has to be experienced and expressed.

 OTHER BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

Effect on Behaviour

Grief also affects our behaviour and functioning. You may find it affects you in some or all of the following ways:

• Sleep disruption. You may find that you can't get to sleep, or can't stay asleep, or that you wake early. See also the UCS leaflet on Insomnia.
• Loss of appetite. You might not feel like eating, or you may feel sick when you do.
• Restlessness. You may find it hard to relax and 'switch off'. Your mind goes into overdrive trying to make sense of what has happened, especially when you are alone or in bed at night. See also the UCS leafley on Relaxation.
• Exhaustion.Grief is stressful, and if you are also not sleeping or eating well, you are bound to feel tired and worn down.
• Preoccupation. You might be so preoccupied with thoughts of the dead person that you imagine seeing or hearing her/him. (You are not going mad - this is quite common!)
• Anxiety and panic. With so many powerful and unfamiliar feelings aroused, you might become anxious - that you're going crazy (which you're not) or that something terrible might happen. See also the UCS leaflet on Anxiety and Panic.
• Inability to cope. You might find it difficult to cope with ordinary, everyday things like shopping, cooking, your work.
• Loss of interest. Things that were once a source of great pleasure to you now feel meaningless and tiresome.
• Irritability. You might find yourself 'snapping' even if you are not the sort of person who normally reacts in this way.
• Tearfulness. You might cry a lot; in fact, sometimes it's all you can do. Crying can bring relief as it is an outlet for the emotions, tension and strain that have built up.
• Other physical symptoms. Palpitations, nausea, dizziness, tightness in the throat and digestive problems - all can be experienced during grieving. If you are concerned, consult a  nurse or your GP.

These are all normal and understandable reactions to bereavement and a natural part of the mourning process. Given time, support and understanding they will lessen and eventually disappear.

Ways of Coping

Most of us have within ourselves greater reserves of strength than we are aware of. Mostly we don't need to call upon them, but when we are grieving we do. There may be times when you feel that it is all too much and that you can't cope - but with the help of friends and these inner resources you will.

The following can also help:

• Ask for help. It's not always easy and it takes courage. Start by accepting that you need help. Ask someone you feel you can trust - a friend, a tutor, a college nurse or chaplain, a parent. It may make sense to seek counselling - many people get help following a bereavement.
• Talk about it - "get it off your chest". It brings relief and helps you clarify and understand what has been going round and round in your head. It also helps counteract feelings of isolation. Again choose someone you feel you can trust. Even talk to a favourite pet. And, if you are a believer, talk to God.
• Express yourself in some other way. If you don't feel like talking, see whether you can write about your feelings and experience. Choose a form you feel comfortable with - a diary, letter, prose, poetry, song... If you can't find the words to describe what you're feeling try "speaking" about your experience through dance, song, painting, clay modelling... Let shape, form, texture, colour, rhythm be your words.
• Keep some mementos - some photos or jewellery, a piece of clothing, anything that helps you to remember the person who has died. Remembering can be painful to begin with, but over time painful memories will be replaced by ones that can give you pleasure and comfort.
• Get some exercise. This might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it will help. Exercise uses up excess energy and it's also a way of expressing some of the frustration and aggression you might be feeling.
• Listen to music. Many people find music has the power to get through to us in a way that nothing else can. Choose music to suit your mood. At other times you may need to take your mind off the bereavement. Use music to help you escape for a time.
• Take good care of yourself. You may feel you can't be bothered or that there's no point, but it will help. Eat well, bath or shower regularly and get the sleep and rest that you need. Some people attempt to block out their feelings using alcohol or drugs - but these only bring short-term relief and merely serve to postpone the process of grieving.
• Trust yourself. Within reason, follow your feelings and reactions. If you want to be alone, or to go out and be with people, then do that. Remind yourself as often as you need to that 'it is normal to feel the way I do' following a bereavement. Acceptance allows your feelings to be expressed and understood - an important part of the healing process.
• Go easy on yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon - grieving takes time. Take each moment or hour as it comes. Concentrate on living through the present and don't worry too much about tomorrow or next week. Give yourself credit for surviving each day.

 OTHER BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

Back to the Future

After the initial shock most people begin, albeit slowly, to adjust to living without the person who has died. The time it takes to adjust is different for each person. The change is usually gradual, but over time you will feel less and less overwhelmed and preoccupied by the loss.

To begin with you may think about what happened and about the person who has died almost constantly, but in time you will begin to 'forget' - at first just for a few minutes, then for hours and eventually for days at a time. This is not a betrayal and it does not mean that you love them any less. It is perfectly natural to not think about someone - we do it all the time with our living friends and family. People, living or dead, do not cease to exist for you when you stop thinking about them. You will always have your memories and the times you spent with them. Nothing can take that away from you.

In time you will be able to give your attention and emotions to others and begin to get on with the rest of your life.

The goal of the grieving process is to learn to live with loss. As you grieve, life will slowly begin to feel meaningful and enjoyable once more. There will be times, though, when you are taken by surprise - a piece of music or a place may remind you of the person who has died and you will find yourself flooded by grief all over again. This, too, will lessen in time.

Special days or anniversaries, especially the first one or two after the death, can be difficult. Some people find it helpful to plan for these anniversaries and to mark them in some quite personal way.

You will probably be changed by the experience of grieving. You might find yourself reassessing your priorities, values, beliefs, hopes, aspirations, friendships. You could also find that you are:

• more aware of your and others' difficulties and needs
• more understanding than before
• more able to live with the often unanswerable question "why?"
• better able to cope with life's knocks, especially losses of all kinds.

 OTHER BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

When to seek additional help

If you are alarmed by your physical symptoms or if they persist - consult a college nurse or your GP.

If your work is affected speak to your tutor or your director of studies or to your manager or Personnel. You need them to be understanding at a time like this. It is quite possible that you won't be capable of working effectively for a time following a bereavement. It may be possible to shift deadlines or to lighten your workload in other ways for a while.

If sleep disturbance persists, if your appetite or interests don't begin to return to normal, speak to a college nurse, your GP or see a counsellor. You may have become depressed and they can help.

If you feel overwhelmed by your feelings, particularly if you continue to feel hopeless and despairing and especially if you start to feel suicidal - contact the counselling service. An appointment can be made for you to see a counsellor quickly.

Talking to a counsellor can help you find your way through the painful and otherwise lonely process of grieving. All our counsellors are aware of the issues involved in bereavement and mourning and have considerable experience in this field.

The general sorts of questions that will be asked by the funeral directors. [That is if you are using one, if not, these are the things that should be sorted out by the person in charge. Please do not think you have to use any funeral director. You are fully entitled to do it all yourself]

Have you got the doctors certificate of death? You will need it to get the deceased death registered then these things need thought of.

When can you go to the registrars office?

When you do go take with you.

1 The medical certificate of the cause of death.

2 The deceased persons NHS medical card.

3 If applicable any war pension book of the deceased.

4 Money for the copies of the Certified Entry of Death, Death certificate that will be needed by a lot of institutions, e.g. banks building societies, probate, insurance company, work, DHSS, etc.

5 Any names of insurance companies who have cover on the deceased.

also note.
What was the date of the deceased?
Where was the deceased born?
What was the maiden name of the deceased (if applicable)?

Will there be a service or an occasion of tribute?

Are you going to use a funeral director, or is the funeral going to be done by self or family.

If the funeral is going to be done by self, look at what sort of a casket, [coffin] is it going to be needed.

Is it bio degradable, hardened paper, chip and laminated, or metal? [look on the links pages from 9 onwards]

Which day is suitable for the service?
Where to hold the service or occasion of tribute?
What time shall we hold the services?
Is the service to be followed by burial [interment] or cremation?
If interment, when is it to take place?
Do you have a pre-purchase grave?
Where are the deeds for the grave?
If cremation, what do you wish to happen to the cremated remains?
Who will conduct the service or occasion of tribute?
Are we to sing any hymns? Which ones?
Will you require a reading or any music of your choice?
Do you wish to include an announcement in the local or national newspaper? Which ones?
Do you wish to have donations received for a charity or charities? Which ones?
Would you like printed service sheets? If so how many?
Do you require a car or cars? If so, how many?
What floral tributes would you like?
What would you like to happen to the floral tributes after the service?
Will you require catering after the service?
Where will the cortege depart from?
What time should we meet before the service?
Would you like attendance cards for the people who attended the service?
Will you require "Thank You" stationary?
Would you like a "Thank You" in the local newspaper or national newspaper? If so, which ones?

 

 OTHER BEREAVEMENT HELP LINKS on 9, 10, 11, CLICK HERE

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